Self Help & Tips


4 Common Misconceptions About Setting Boundaries

Imagine you have a friend who routinely cancels at the last minute, or doesn’t follow through on plans to meet up. Or perhaps you have a romantic partner who you love, but doesn’t always give you the time you need for friends or hobbies. Maybe you have a coworker who you go out with after […]

Tips to Help You Adapt to Change

The effects of the COVID-19 pandemic have been manifold, but among the most pervasive is the amount of personal and societal change it has caused many people to go through. From major changes in employment and living situations to shifts in Japanese immigration regulations and restrictions regarding travel, many of us have had to adapt […]

10 Powerful Quotes Against Mental Health Stigma

Do you feel comfortable talking about your mental health? Have you ever stopped yourself from sharing your mental struggles with your friends and family? Despite some recent efforts, mental health stigma still very much exists in our society. Let’s take a look at some quotes about mental health stigma. Through them, we might be able […]

How to Write a Diary: There Are More Ways Than One!

When life gets overwhelmingly busy and stressful, it can be difficult to find the time and the emotional capacity to check in with yourself and how you have been feeling. For many, writing in a diary or journal at the end of a difficult day may bring relief and clarity. For others, the prospect of […]

Goal Setting (At Any Time of Year)

Although the beginning of the year is a time when many people reflect on their personal goals, don’t worry if you missed out on thinking through some New Year’s resolutions. While we may feel pressured to do so when the New Year rolls around, goal setting is an important activity that you can undertake at […]

Start the Day Off Right: Creating Morning Routines That Benefit Your Mental Health

While the morning can be an invigorating time of day for the early birds among us, for others it can be the most stressful and tiring part of the day. Whether your job leaves you feeling rushed and stressed from the moment you wake up or whether you work from home and struggle to structure […]

傷害感情的四種爭執習慣(下)

Author: JouAn “Anne” Chen (柔安), TMH Counselor 我們在九月初的時候和大家介紹了婚姻與家庭治療大師-約翰高特曼(John Gottman)整理出來的四種會傷害感情的爭執習慣-批評(Criticism)、鄙視(Contempt)、防衛(Defensiveness)、拒絕回應(Stonewalling)。這些習慣在任何爭執中都很常見,當你發現他們的存在時,並不需要緊張。因為爭執在感情裡是無可避免的,我們都應該學習如何和伴侶一起更好的「管理」爭執-就如同我們學習管理情緒,而非消滅情緒。其實好的爭執可以助長感情,幫助伴侶在溝通的過程裡更加理解彼此。減少這些習慣的第一步驟是辨認這四種習慣的存在,如果你忘記或是還沒看過的話,可以先看這篇-傷害感情的四種爭執習慣(上)。 1、在批評之前,你可以先嘗試:「溫和的開頭」 上一篇提到了批評和抱怨的不同,前者針對個人,後者針對事件。那麼該如何「有效地抱怨」呢?當我們用「你…」來開頭時,很容易變成針對伴侶個人的責備句,為了避免批評的發生,取而代之我們可以用一個叫做「I statement」的技巧,以「我感到/覺得…」來表達自己對於事件的經驗和需求。I statement可以簡單分為三個部分-事件、感受或情緒、需求。舉例來說,批評是:「你真的很自私!從來沒有在乎過我!」而運用I statement的「抱怨」看起來是:「當你在聊天時低頭滑手機會讓我感到很失落,我需要被尊重。」在這裡甚至可以一起討論什麼樣的行為能讓伴侶感到需求被滿足,詢問:「什麼樣的舉動會讓你感到被尊重呢?」如果有一個答案的話可以表達:「當你放下手機和我有更多眼神交流,可以讓我感到你尊重我們的對話。」若不確定的話,可以誠實的告訴伴侶再一起討論。 2、培養「感謝的習慣」,以平衡鄙視帶來的負面影響 當鄙視存在於感情中,兩人的地位在關係裡開始呈現不平等的狀態,因為鄙視是以較高的地位去看待伴侶並讓其感到價值感低落,這樣的不平衡會漸漸地破壞感情,這也是鄙視為這四種習慣裡最容易預測離婚的原因。其實重新平衡感情有很多種方法,而其中一個很有效的方法為培養感謝的習慣:每天花不到一分鐘感謝一件事情,可以是對方的付出、一起做的事,也可以是伴侶的特質,例如:謝謝你今天提醒我帶傘、謝謝你總是很細心、我很感謝我們一起花時間討論這些事情…等等。感謝彼此對於感情付出的努力或是提醒對方「你的這些特質我一直都很喜歡喔」,可以讓伴侶感到被尊重、被看見-這些都是在親密關係裡很重要的需求。在地位平等的關係中,不愉快發生時不會因為鄙視的不平衡而造成嚴重的爭吵,以理解伴侶為出發點,尊重的表達想法,而非把對方放在較低的地位去數落。例如鄙視會是:「你覺得你很辛苦?你只會在旁邊滑手機,你除了耍廢還會幹嘛?」而平衡的關係是:「我理解你工作很忙需要一些時間休息,但可以請你一起收拾桌面後再休息嗎?」 3、一起「檢視責任」,取代防衛的反應 雖然防衛是在受到批評時很自然的自我保護反應,但是它不但無法解決問題,還會讓伴侶覺得反過來被責備,這種「是你不是我」的回應容易讓爭執變得更激烈。感情裡的互動是雙向的,在不顧一切的保護自己而變相讓另一個人承擔問題的全責之前,試著去檢視自己能不能負擔部分的責任,來避免互相責備導致的激烈爭吵。例如從防衛的反應:「我就真的沒空,你有時間唸我幹嘛不自己去處理?」改為:「我希望你能理解我不喜歡在很忙的時候被唸,但你說的對,我的確可以運用零碎的時間來處理這件事。」 4、運用技巧「自我舒緩」情緒,避免拒絕回應的發生 在爭執中被龐大的情緒淹沒時,我們為了保護自己不承受這樣的痛苦,會出現拒絕回應的逃避行為來抽離情緒。研究發現當人被情緒淹沒時,所承受的情緒壓力會影響生理,譬如心跳加快、釋放壓力賀爾蒙、或是處於「戰或逃的反應」。因此拒絕回應其實是身體在自動地幫我們舒緩當下的情緒,像是突然離開爭執的場所、沉默、或是說出「我被你氣到不行,懶得跟你說了」。如果可以先和伴侶溝通:「我可以先打斷你嗎?我覺得現在情緒大到非常不舒服,可以給我20分鐘緩和情緒我們再來重新討論嗎?」這可以讓我們在承諾保持溝通的同時,去做些自我舒緩的活動,讓彼此更有效的討論事情。記得在這至少20分鐘的時間裡,避免把時間花在和爭執有關的想法,而是專注在舒緩的事物-音樂、閱讀、運動…等等。由於感情裡我們都是獨立的個體,有些爭吵會因本質上觀念的不一樣而永遠都沒辦法「解決」。其實關係裡所謂的爭執是一種溝通的手段,因此我們若能發現且避免這些爭執習慣的話,可以幫助我們專注在想要溝通的議題上面,來減少感情被激烈爭執磨掉的風險。如果你們對於近一步討論溝通模式的伴侶諮商有興趣,東京心理諮商中心很高興能成為您在海外的資源,我們提供中文、英文、日文和西文的面對面與線上伴侶諮商,歡迎來信詢問、預約:[email protected]

Sleep Quality Tips

Though it may seem like an inactive process, during sleep your brain is busy undertaking important tasks crucial to both your mental and physical health. Not only does sleep give your body a chance to remove built-up waste products from your brain cells, it also gives your brain the opportunity to process and remember what […]

Remote Work Tips for Physical and Mental Health

Working from home can offer employees many benefits, including increased flexibility, no commute, and a better work-life balance. However, working remotely can also pose several risks, including feelings of isolation, depression, and anxiety. Here are some remote work tips to help you maximize the benefits of a work-from-home situation while also coping with its unique […]

10 Empowering Quotes to Boost Your Mental Health

Mental health can be a difficult topic to share or discuss with other people, sometimes even with your close friends and family. It is understandable if  you feel like you are struggling all alone. If you’re feeling down or overwhelmed right now, you might benefit from the mental health related quotes on this page. We picked […]