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傷害感情的四種爭執習慣(上)

Author: JouAn “Anne” Chen (柔安), TMH Counselor 你是否聽過「感情因爭吵而消磨殆盡」?或是曾經對於感情裡的頻繁爭執感到絕望?但是你知道嗎?大多數伴侶爭執的問題有將近七成是「無法解決」的,因為我們在爭執時並不是單純針對當下的問題在吵架,造成我們受傷的是藏在表面問題底下的互動模式。婚姻與家庭治療大師-約翰高特曼(John Gottman)是伴侶諮商界的權威,其中最有名的研究為觀察夫妻的爭執,並可以在高達九成的準確率下預測伴侶是否會離婚。而這高準確率的秘密在於他長年研究感情裡的溝通模式,透過觀察伴侶在爭執中的互動來預測結果。今天我們想分享高特曼歸類出的四種會傷害感情的爭執習慣: 批評(Criticism) 第一個習慣是批評。請注意批評和抱怨是不同的,抱怨針對事件,而批評針對個人。舉例來說,當伴侶未完成承諾的事時,抱怨是「我們說好你要預約這間餐廳的,我一直很期待和你來吃,你忘記這件事我覺得很難過!」,批評則是「你真的很自私、很不體貼!從來沒有想過我,也沒有想過你的行為對我造成的影響!」批評會讓人感到被攻擊、拒絕和受傷。不過批評的發生不代表感情完蛋了,我們需要小心的是長期批評帶來的嚴重影響-鄙視。 鄙視(Contempt) 由長期批評發展而來的鄙視包括了不尊重、嘲諷、譏笑、翻白眼或輕蔑伴侶。鄙視聽起會是「你覺得你很辛苦?我做這麼多事情的時候,你只會在旁邊滑手機,你除了耍廢還會幹嘛?」或是「天啊!你怎麼可以這麼棒,沒有一件事情可以做好」。鄙視是從更高的地位去看伴侶,並讓人產生絕望感或感到價值感低落。他是四種習慣裡最容易預測離婚的因素。 防衛(Defensiveness) 防衛很多時候是出自於我們對批評的習慣反應,其目的是為了讓伴侶不繼續攻擊,不過它其實很難成功達成這個目的,反而容易讓伴侶覺得我們不在意,或是不為犯錯的部分負責。另外,防衛並非只發生在受到批評時,有時因為過去的經驗,它會變成一種習慣的反應。例如當伴侶詢問:「你預約好晚上的餐廳了嗎?」防衛的回答會是:「我就真的很忙、沒空!你明明也知道,你為什麼不自己去預定?」雖然為了保護自己而出現防衛反應很合理,但它往往導致更激烈的爭執,因為這其實是一種反過來責怪伴侶的方式。 拒絕回應(Stonewalling) 拒絕回應通常是對於鄙視的反應,它就像是英文字面上的意思,築起一道牆,從互動中完全抽離不回應伴侶。當我們長期在爭吵中經驗前面提到的批評、鄙視、防衛,情緒累積下來會大到像是被它們淹沒一樣,進而出現逃避行為──轉身離開、做一些當下可以分心的事物(滑手機、放空)、假裝在忙其他事情等──以達到拒絕回應的目的。拒絕回應養成習慣後會變得非常難改變,並且直接地減少了伴侶之間的溝通。其實任何感情都沒辦法完全消除爭執,但是我們可以透過改變溝通模式來改善爭執的方式,讓感情不會因此而「磨掉」。辨認這四種習慣是很重要的第一步,我們會在下一篇提到更詳細的改善這四種習慣的方法。如果你們對於近一步討論溝通模式的伴侶諮商有興趣,東京心理諮商中心很高興能成為您在海外的資源,我們提供中文、英文、日文和西文的面對面與線上伴侶諮商,歡迎來信詢問、預約:[email protected]參考資料 (Reference)Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting marital happiness and stability from newlywed interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 5-22.Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A two‐factor model for predicting […]

Tokyo Mental Health Welcomes George Takeda

We are delighted to welcome our new counselor, George Takeda, LMFT, to Tokyo Mental Health’s growing team of mental health providers!George Takeda holds a Master of Science degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from Fuller Theological Seminary in California, USA. He is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in the state of California with […]

What is Binge-Eating Disorder?

Author: Melanie Ersapah, TMH Counselor What do you mean by binge-eating? Binge-eating is defined as eating an amount of food that is in excess of the portion size that one might usually consume in a short period of time (e.g. within 2-hours). Continuing to snack throughout the day would not be considered binge-eating. Also, the […]

Tokyo Mental Health 2020 Feedback Survey

Finding a mental health service can be difficult and challenging especially when we are in a foreign country and are not familiar with the health system here. With the limited resources and reviews we can find online, the uncertainty of the quality of service is often anxiety-provoking and we may decide to refrain from seeking […]

Tokyo Mental Health Welcomes Amanda Stradling

We are delighted to welcome our new counselor, Amanda Stradling, LMSW, to Tokyo Mental Health’s growing team of mental health providers! Amanda Stradling holds a Master of Social Work from Boston College where she graduated with academic honors. She is currently a Licensed Master Social Worker in the State of New York, working towards her […]

Feeling Stuck?

Sometimes in life we all feel stuck. In those times it is often difficult to see past the frustrations of today and get a firm grasp on short-term or long- term goals we should be reaching for. When this happens, there is a way to cultivate motivation and realize the necessity of a change. Dissatisfaction […]

New Hours – TMH Okinawa Mihama Therapy Office

TMH Okinawa Mihama Therapy Office has new office hours. Sunday – Tuesday: 8AM – 4PM Wednesday: Closed Thursday & Friday: 8AM – 4PM Saturday: Closed If you would like to arrange an appointment or ask any questions, please feel free to contact us through the inquiry form!

Tokyo Mental Health Welcomes Melissa Krahmer

We are delighted to welcome our new counselor, Melissa Krahmer, LMSW, to Tokyo Mental Health’s growing team of service providers! Melissa Krahmer holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and a Master’s in Social Work from the Catholic University of America in Washington, D.C. where she was inducted into the Phi Alpha Social Work Honor Society. […]

Tokyo Mental Health 2021 Golden Week Hours

Happy Golden Week! Both of our offices (Shintomi, Tokyo and Mihama, Okinawa) are open as usual during Golden Week this year. Tokyo Mental Health Shintomi Therapy Office (Tokyo) Weekdays and Weekends: 9am – 9pm TMH Okinawa Mihama Therapy Office Monday – Thursday: 8:00 AM – 4:00 PM Friday: Closed Saturday: 8:00 AM – 4:00 PM […]

Tokyo Mental Health Welcomes Estefania Ospina-Alikhan

We are delighted to welcome our new counselor, Estefania Ospina-Alikhan M.S. LCMFT, to Tokyo Mental Health’s growing team of service providers! Estefania Ospina-Alikhan is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist (LCMFT) that is fluent and bilingual in English and Spanish. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology with a minor in Child […]